A nagging doubt crept into my mind a few months ago and has been hounding me like a Beast of Baskerville. This gremlin of the mind has me questioning my recreational interests and wondering if they are just artifacts of some Ideal Me that I think I’d like to be, you know, someday. Probably.
These interests in Purgatory range from photography to writing, and from reading to personal fitness.
Often, I think I am just putting them off as a reaction against an Phantom Obligation: a feeling that I “should” be doing them. Somewhere in the confines of my skull, an Imagined Authority is pestering me to just get on with doing these things, nagging at me to be productive, and constantly questioning me about why I’ve not yet started. And in some other part of that grey matter, a rebellious little Id is screaming back, “NO. I don’t want to!”
Really, though, why put in that effort when there is, for example, the Whole Entire Internet full of things ready, tailor made, even, to consume time and distract the mind. Delivered not just to my front door, but past that ominous threshold and right to the cozy comfort of the couch.
What has me Doubly Doubting is that I’ve long dealt with flagging or non-existent motivation regarding certain things, while others I have no problem with. When I am employed, I go to work and do my job. When I am not, I often drag my feet looking for new work. I enjoyed attending classes when I was in college and would always arrive early for them. Homework, on the other hand, would often sit undone until only hours were left before it was due. While I may never read through an RPG book from cover to cover, I can and have organized travel and schedules for Gen Con for myself and friends.
I read somewhere recently that one should focus on their strengths in order to Find Fulfillment. Maybe I am ignoring that? Should I just accept how I am? I’ll admit that this doesn’t sit well when one of my core philosophies is that of self-improvement and growth. Part of the Problem with that is, for example, once I was able to plow through novels in a day or two. But now I struggle to start them. I am not happy with this change and would like to try to recover some of that old ability.
I suspect, in no small measure, that I am vastly overthinking all of this. That realization, however, does little to lift the boot attached to the wheels of my motivation.
I also will admit to a healthy dose of Analysis Paralysis related anxiety when I think about ALL THE THINGS I want to do, too. If I give attention to one thing, then everything else must sit idle. And when will I have time to do them all? And which should I start with? And how long will it take? And so on. Turtles. All the way down.
Maybe the Real Problem that I don’t want to face is that, like with writing, the solution lies in the action.*
*This last link is quite relevant. You should click on it.
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Dracography 
June 30, 2012 at 6:13 AM
Best of luck, man. I hear you.
I’ve been dealing with similar thoughts myself. I’ve realized that my relentless drive to self-improve and accomplish things has burned me out on a deep level. I’ve turned all my hobbies into responsibilities of some kind. My books are now important things to read, because it’s important that I read them.
I’m beginning to see a paradox: One should be both content and always improving. Both are true.
And man, is it hard to figure out the balance. 🙂
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July 6, 2012 at 2:43 PM
YES. Yes, it is. And, thank you. And, back at’cha.
I’m beginning to see a paradox: One should be both content and always improving. Both are true.
As the Greeks said, medan agan. Nothing in excess.
I’d love to find a way back to that mentality of just doing things because I want to do them without over-thinking every frakin’ thing! 🙂
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